Journals of an Emo Vampire
by Razor Brigades
Summary: Just when I thought things were going right, those Rockets grabbed me.  I'd just better get out of here before she slaughters Kanto.  And gee, Jigglypuffs lose their flavor after a while.


Disclaimer: If I owned Pokemon, millions of little kids all around the globe would be suffering from deep mental scars.

1

To whom it may concern,

I am in deep shit. I've been captured by Team Rocket again, and they seem to have put me in a roomy chamber which I'm assuming is part of a giant robot or something. If that doesn't suck enough, my best friend is about to commit manslaughter over a Pokemon tourney and I'm wanted in five different cities. Thankfully, I happened to have my notebook in my bag when those Rockets caught me, and that's what I'm writing this in right now. Hopefully my ballpoint won't run out of ink, because I'm sure you're dying to know what started all of this.

First off, let me tell you the worst secret ever. I'm a vampire. That's right, one of them blood-sucking fiends that you see in gothic fiction and crappy Halloween specials on TV. I'd really like to say it happened because I was seduced by some sexy French vampire that happened to bite my neck while he was having his way with me. I'd like to say that very much, but that would be a lie. I don't have an awesome story like that, unfortunately. So here's the truth. I was bitten by a Zubat.

Yeah, I know. You're probably thinking "What the hell? Is this guy on Koffing fumes?" Believe me, if I had heard it before it actually happened, I would have thought the same thing. But it happened at the start of my "adventure", when I was wandering through Mt. Moon. Worst place ever if you hate bats. Anyways, I was minding my own business, walking along the cave when one of those damn Zubats bit me. I didn't think anything of it at first, except that that sucker had a nasty bite. One of my friends thought it might be infected, but I realized exactly what I had gotten into that night. We didn't eat much that day, so I had a dream about steak and mashed potatoes. Unfortunately I woke up next to a pile of dead Jigglypuffs with bite marks on them. I always hated those things.

Oops, I got carried away with my Zubat trauma and didn't introduce myself. My name's Val. Short for a misspelling of Vladimir. I spelled it wrong on a credit card application once, and my friends started calling me "Vald" or "Valdimir". Both sounded really stupid, so it shortened to Val and just stuck like that. I'm not going to ask you your name, because once you have time to reply to me I'll probably be in a tank or dungeon or something. I have no idea what Team Rocket wants with me, but I personally hope they're not planning to pull out some of my hair and make a skinny evil clone of me. They'd probably call it something really stupid, like Valtwo.

Anyways, this isn't about my current crappy situation, it's about how I got here. It started with my best female friend, Axelle, and a television. She was watching a Pokemon tourney; because god forbid anyone watch a program that doesn't deal with training these days. But yeah, she managed to catch the little tidbit that the guy Ash Ketchum was battling happened to be her ex-boyfriend, Seth. Well, that little bugger Ash cheated his way into winning by setting off the sprinkler system. Thankfully, he was disqualified, but not-so-thankfully, Seth won. The real downfall for my friend, and for me and several other people from town, was that this guy at the tourney came up to Seth and kissed him. They made out onscreen for a couple minutes, and I swear I saw Axelle's face change color. I personally enjoyed it, but I'll deny it till I'm on my deathbed.

So, Axelle sought revenge immediately and ended up dragging me and our friends Marco and Jazmin on an epic quest to become Pokemon masters and make Seth jealous. Or win him back. I was never really clear on which one she was hoping for. We went to Professor Oak's lab and she begged him for some kind of starter 'Mon. Well, unfortunately all he had was a chronically hyperactive Vulpix, an Ekans with missing teeth, and a Jigglypuff that sounded like Angus Young. Selection, selection. Inevitably, she ended up picking the Vulpix, assuming that because she has younger siblings, she could handle its hyperactivity. No chance. That thing started chewing on her skirt and yipping its head off the second it hopped out of the Pokeball.

I ended up with the handicapped Ekans, which also proved pretty worthless. It got chomped up by a level nine Ratatta that it was trying to swallow while we were on our way to Viridian. Needless to say, I had to haul it to the Pokemon Center and leave it for a night. However, I promptly took it back without full treatment when they said they'd stick its teeth back on with Elmer's glue. I've used my own potions since. I don't care how expensive it gets, I'm not letting that eerily-chipper pink-haired nurse use elementary school supplies on any 'Mons I happen to be carrying.

We spent about three days in the Viridian Forest, trying to catch Axelle a Pikachu. Should have been simple, but the first time the little critter was so healthy it popped right out of everything she threw at it. The second one fainted upon her Vulpix's first attack, which happened to also burn down about a third of the forest. Yeah. Everyone hated that Vulpix. It took her that whole time to catch a Pikachu, which ended up being a measly level two and unable to comprehend human commands. Try asking it to use Thundershock on _anything._ I dare you. Anyways, we got to Pewter City after traumatizing half a dozen bug catchers with our forest fire and foul mouths, where Axelle insisted on charging right into the Gym and challenging the leader. Big mistake.

The Gym Leader was this really raunchy guy that didn't seem to have eyes, or at least didn't bother to open them. He seemed to be pretty damn girl-crazy, or maybe just totally desperate. Anyways, after trying to make "conversation" with Axelle a few more times than comfortable, he sent out an Onix. Massive, ugly thing if you ask me. So that Onix pretty much pounded her Vulpix and Pikachu into oblivion, and you guessed it, we spent another night at another Center. And I think that Nurse Joy's family portrait was run through Photoshop. When she got back to the

Sorry, I had to stop writing there for a minute. The red-haired woman from Team Rocket just barged in to check on me. Well, I asked her what she was planning to do. All she said was that they're not ready for their plans yet. I really hope it's not anything painful or exhausting. Anyways, I think the lights are about to shut off, and I may as well sleep before I find out what on Earth is happening to me. Goodnight, dear notebook. We'll have more story to tell tomorrow.

If I survive.

Val


End file.
